What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
In the medieval ages, many knights had to travel throughout day and night. In order to increase their visibility in darkness, they invented a device known as the knightvision goggles.
What is the favourite food of the Egyptian god? It is the Ramen.
How do geologists like to relax? In rocking chairs, of course!
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
Ah! The element of surprise.
What did Russian do after they made the vaccine ?
They Put-in.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
A chemistry lab is like a big party.
Some drop the acid while others drop the base.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
My least favorite teacher in the school is the History teacher. Whenever she takes a class on Ancient History, she tends to Babylon.
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
What do you call doctors who make vaccines for the flu?
Flu-Fighters.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity?
It’s natural.
What is a plug’s favorite chant at a sporting event?
CHARGE!!
A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant.
Its called Eel-on Musk.
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
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