What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!
Funny chemistry puns always get a good reaction.
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.
When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
What happens when someone throws a rock at you? Rock bottom hits you.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
What do you call a Korean knight who is looking for his lost belongings? He goes by the name Sir Ching!
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
"He didn't count on this."
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
I really liked learning about displacement in Physics.
It's pretty straight to the point.
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
Serotonin and Dopamine: Technically, the only things you enjoy.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
There's now a vaccine to make you better at geometry.
It's called Pythagorean Serum.
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/4th.
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