What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? "I like your style."
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral.
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
Which tooth did Avogadro have pulled?
One of his mole-ars
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
What kind of snake does your math teacher probably own?
A pi-thon.
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
Why did Alexander not like eating chicken legs? Because he hated defeat.
How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? He caught the garter snake.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
What did the structural engineer say to the architect? Nice buttress.
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.