Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
There were two knights who were fighting a long duel with each other. The fight ended when one of them chopped off the other's leg- guess the knight was defeeted.
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
What happened to the two gladiator olives?
They were pitted against each other
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
You know what’s odd?
Every other number.
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap? Because it was on shale.
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
If you’re doing dangerous work on a platform that’s held together by screwed in bolts, then your life is hanging by a thread.
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
We had a lively debate in physics.
It was a conversation of energy.
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
I heard the history teacher got into a fight with the math teacher
He did a real good number in him.
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
What do you call a cab which provides drug therapy? Chemotaxis.
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
What did the Italian marine Biologist say when asked to identify an eel?
That's a moray!
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.
A chemistry lab is like a big party.
Some drop the acid while others drop the base.
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
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