As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
What does vikings call english villages?
Chopping centers.
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
What do you call a clock on the moon?
A lunartick.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
Old Norse cuisine is simply not to my Viking.
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?
Use acute angle.
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium? He just couldn't put it down.
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14
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