I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
The sun is just a big space heater.
How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
What do you call a viking cemetary?
A grey fjord.
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
If they don't, the country is safe.
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? "I like your style."
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
Because he touched the beaker before it was cool.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights?
A Sir conference
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium
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