Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations.
(Looking at you Newton).
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
What did the Endoplasmic Reticulum say to the Golgi. I like your body, and the Golgi said it's complex.
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
Why do Geologists go to Lollapalooza? To get their "Rock" On.
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
You know what’s odd?
Every other number.
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
I like looking at a chart of all the chemical elements... periodically.
Why shouldn't you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
May the mass times acceleration be with you.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
What is the favourite food of the Egyptian god? It is the Ramen.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
"He didn't count on this."
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