My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
Good science always checks itself before it wrecks itself.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
Air resistance is a real drag.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
Even the most intelligent people can’t survive a day without electricity, like Stephen Hawking.
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
Because he touched the beaker before it was cool.
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"
Looking for a boyfriend in engineering: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.
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