I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
How many consultants do you need to change a light bulb?
You’ll get an estimate a week from Monday.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
I really liked learning about displacement in Physics.
It's pretty straight to the point.
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
I can eat sugar with either hand, I'm ambidextrose.
Biology - It grows on you.
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
Why do Geologists go to Lollapalooza? To get their "Rock" On.
What happens when someone throws a rock at you? Rock bottom hits you.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
What’s the best tool to install an electrical plug with?
A socket wrench.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right.
The statistician yells "We got 'em!"
What do you think is the name of the knight who unexpectedly turned up at the battle? His name is Sir Prize.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry.
And an F in Physics.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer?
Water-mole-ns
Looking for a boyfriend in engineering: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
One of the historical figures to play music with has got to be the talented Mr. Ben-jam-in Franklin.
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium? He just couldn't put it down.
My physics professor told me I had potential
Then he pushed me off the roof.
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