I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
My least favorite teacher in the school is the History teacher. Whenever she takes a class on Ancient History, she tends to Babylon.
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
An atom loses an electron...
It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
What did the Endoplasmic Reticulum say to the Golgi. I like your body, and the Golgi said it's complex.
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
Why does algebra make you a better dancer?
Because you can use algo-rhythm.
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
To the person who invented zero...
Thanks for nothing.
What happened to the two gladiator olives?
They were pitted against each other
It's getting hard to zinc of new science puns because so many of them argon.
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
I passed my degree in sound engineering. I got 1-2-1-2!
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
Never argue with Pi, it's irrational.
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
To get to the other tide.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
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