What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?
Magnets
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
What is the favourite food of the Egyptian god? It is the Ramen.
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium? He just couldn't put it down.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations.
(Looking at you Newton).
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
The Nucleboss.
Whats The Most tiniest Virus Ever? "smallpox".
Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
Did you hear about the viking cannibal?
He had a Swede-tooth.
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
What is a Jedi electrician’s favorite tool? His lightsaber”
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
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