My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
To the person who invented zero...
Thanks for nothing.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? "I like your style."
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”
What do math and history have in common?
They both teach people about inequalities.
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
What do you call a medieval horse in the army
A knight-mare
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
What is the reproductive area in South America? Spermatagonia.
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
What happens when someone throws a rock at you? Rock bottom hits you.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
Which knight is the protector of foods?
Sir Anwrap
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
Did you hear about the viking cannibal?
He had a Swede-tooth.
When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
When the Frenchman asked for a book on warfare on Battle of Waterloo from his librarian, she said, "You're just going to lose it."
Who invented the Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
Why was the Geologist expelled from Reform School? He was a dirty layer!
Speed and Velocity are brothers.
Velocity has a family, is rich and teaches classes around the world.
Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents.
They think Speed lacks Direction.
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