My physics teacher told me i had so much potential, so much energy.
Then I fell down the stairs and lost it all.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
I have faith in Pfizer and its Covid vaccine, because they also make Viagra.
If Pfizer can raise the dead, it can save the living.
How rich is Avogadro?
He's a multi-mole-ionaire.
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
Why was the Geologist expelled from Reform School? He was a dirty layer!
Organic chemistry is really hard.
Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
You’re a unit of electrical energy, Harry.” I’m a watt?”
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
What is the study of real estate? Homology
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?
Magnets
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
If you’re doing dangerous work on a platform that’s held together by screwed in bolts, then your life is hanging by a thread.
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.
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