Even the most intelligent people can’t survive a day without electricity, like Stephen Hawking.
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
Biology - It grows on you.
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
The superconductor left without resistance.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times...
people were called Lance a lot.
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"
Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
What is better than a physics joke?
A meta physics joke.
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”
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