I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.
My boss said, “Clean out your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I really lava you!
Last week, I met someone who specialized in the studies of shrubs and grasses. He called himself Neil De-grass-y Tyson!
What happens when you blend sulfur, tungsten and silver together? SWAG.
What is the king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Hail, of course!
A pilot friend of mine took the flight exam and flew past a rainbow. No wonder, he passed with flying colors.
I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
I'm debating whether I should cross the river on foot or use my rowboat...
It's row v. wade.
What happens if someone chucks a rock at you? You hit the rock’s bottom.
Why do sharks only swim in salt water?
Because pepper always makes them sneeze.
The worst thing about living next door to a good gardener is that the grass is always greener on the other side.
What tree is bought the most at the plant store?
The poplar tree
What did the rainbow say to the other rainbow? Nothing, it was feeling blue.
Why do trees make the worst enemies?
Because they are the best at throwing shade.
What did the rock say to the word processor?
Boulder.
What’s a good winter tip?
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
How would you scare a snowman?
Get a hairdryer!
I'm like a cow in tall grass,
I'm utterly tickled to be here.
What is the color of the wind? Blew!
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing? Au revoir.
A good friend of mine fell into a vaporiser and died.
She is sadly mist.
I went to a restaurant and had a salad. Afterward, I got an intense pain in my stomach. I visited the doctor and he told me that I had grass-troentiritis.
What type of fruit includes Barium and double Sodium? BaNaNa.
Did Texas survive last week's winter storms?
Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrly.
My mind works like lightning.
One brilliant flash and it's gone.
What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain?
Hi, Cliff!
What do you see when an elephant hides behind a tree?
The trunks
What do you say to a pensive flower?
A peony for your thoughts?
A mountain biker was chased by a Grizzly this morning. He bearly made it.
How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
I was surprised when I saw a man get struck by lightning.
The man was shocked as well.
If H20 is water, then what is H204? It’s for drinking, washing and swimming, of course!
If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head because it's capsized.
Why was the pine tree always in trouble? It kept being knotty.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor? It was feeling green!
Many years ago, my grandfather used to cut the grass- but, he's been gone for a lawn time.
Why are cedars so hard to get along with? They suffer from bigo-tree and ex-tree-mism.
Why is it always quiet in the forest? Because all of the trees sleep like a dog.
What would Jerry McGuire have said if he was a flower?
You had me at hydrangea.
The weatherman said it might get a bit drizzly outside.
You can expect a Lil’ Wayne.
What did the flower say when he saw his date?
I think you’re dandy, and I’m not lion!
When is Monday coming?
MonSoon!
There was once a jolly happy mountain that offered fantastic advice to a grumpy hill. "Change your altitude", he said!
What does a mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra, naturally.
Q: Why do windmills love loud, heavy rock music?
A: They’re metal fans.
In the mushroom bus, one mushroom said to the other, "Please scoot over, there is not mush room."
What do you call a friendly volcano? Lava-ble.
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice?
Nothing, he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
I think there's something wrong with the cactus I'm growing...
But I can't put my finger on it.
Having a dirt yard instead of grass is a bold move...
But having a giant rock is boulder.
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