I just found out what animal’s been getting into my avocado plants...
It was a guaca-mole.
How can colors be used to predict the weather?
By their huemidity.
Why are there so many ruts in the ice at the rink?
The maintenance crew must be slipping up.
What do call a cactus which is shaped like a penis
Dildon’t.
What do chic evergreens wear for cruelty-free fashion? Faux fir.
What sort of cakes do snowmen like?
The ones with thick icing!
Don’t ask me for any tree puns.
Acacia haven’t noticed I’m all out.
If trees could kill you, they wood.
I thought I was swimming in the river Thames, but apparently I made it all the way to France before I realized I'm in Seine.
Crabgrass in my lawn is always fighting to prevent good grass seed from rooting...
Guess you could say I'm caught in the middle of a turf war
What types of plants do you get after you plant kisses? Tulips.
What did the teacher say when he sent the naughty student out of the (mush)room? - You’re in big truffle young man!
What do you call dangerous amounts of precipitation?
A rain of terror.
What do you call a dinosaur that got stuck in the rain?
A driplodocus.
A bunch of chill-dren from the neighborhood played all afternoon in the snow.
Ensure you save for the rainy day because even your closest friends can give you a cold shoulder.
My boss has just fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
Oh well!! That's the end of my Korea.
What world-famous rock group has four guys that don't even sing? Mount Rushmore.
Why did the fisherman suddenly redirect his boat?
Just for the halibut.
My dad's nickname is lightning.
That way I can tell my friends I've been struck by lightning multiple times.
Fancy a climb? Mount me in.
There was a terrible fire at the shoe factory today...
Over a million soles were lost.
I'm feeling exceptionally alone in this cold weather. It's probably because I'm completely ice-olated.
What did the teaching tree do when it went overseas? It took a leaf of absence!
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frost bite.
What did the ground say to the earthquake? You crack me up!
Did you hear of the story of the tornado? There is a twist at the end.
What did the flower say after he told a joke?
I was just pollen your leg!
I’m going to start a YouTube channel where I critique bottled water...
It’s an untapped market.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap?
Because it was on shale.
Today a large tree suddenly fell over right in front of me.
I was stumped.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
Why do trees always hate taking tests? Because they keep getting stumped by the questions.
Q: What falls but never hits the ground?
A: The temperature
What is Jack Frost’s favourite mode of transport?
A Tr-Ice-cycle
During a family discussion, my father said that grass is not greener than other plants. No one should make a biased grass-umption like that.
A tree's limbs fell off in a storm, now it's an amputree.
What did one body of water say to the other?
"Do you sea what I sea?"
The river turned out to be a great party guy because he just went with the flow.
There was a television channel ran by pets, the weather forecast was on and inclement weather was being predicted...
High chance of it raining cats and dogs, howling winds, and a possible purricane.
What did the baby cloud say to its mum when it rained? Sorry, mum, I couldn't hold it any longer.
What did the sarcastic otter say?
I think you’ve confused me with someone who builds a dam.
What do trees drink at their parties? Root beer.
Are you squiding me right now?
How did the pines and firs end their war? With a tree-ty.
Why was the pine tree always in trouble? It kept being knotty.
The shrubs were gearing up for a fight with the grass, but they never saw the blades come in.
What does a dolphin say when he’s confused?
Can you please be more Pacific?
What did Sherlock Holmes say to Watson when he noticed sandstone deposits on the river bank? "It's sedimentary, my dear Watson."
I got fired from the Calendar Factory yesterday
They say it's because I took a day off.
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