A friend failed his medical exam when he X-rayed his lower torso.
He didn’t put his heart into it.
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.
She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.
Why did the pig have a heart attack?
Too much bacon.
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
Why didn’t the skeleton scare the trick-or-treaters on Halloween?
He didn’t have the heart.
What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.
"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
“I told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??
Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”
What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.
What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
I lub dub you with all my heart.
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest.
A bit weird, I know, but it just shows his heart is in the right place.
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
My dad has the heart of a lion...
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
What did the dinosaur say to his lover?
You make my heart saur!
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.
You’re my heartthrob.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
Are you a locksmith? Because you hold the key to my heart.
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
I can heartly wait to see you again.
Nurse: Here’s our list of donor hearts and livers in alphabetical order.
Doctor: wow. Looks very ORGANized.
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