"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
Why did the pig have a heart attack?
Too much bacon.
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
What did the heart say to the brain before an exam?
You look nervous.
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.
I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.
Bonnie Tyler has released a video all about cardiology.
It’s totally clips of the heart.
I have a heart-on for you.
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
You’re my heartthrob.
“I told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??
Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest.
A bit weird, I know, but it just shows his heart is in the right place.
I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.
She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don't go breaking my heart."
I couldn't if I tried.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.
A friend failed his medical exam when he X-rayed his lower torso.
He didn’t put his heart into it.
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
Nurse: Here’s our list of donor hearts and livers in alphabetical order.
Doctor: wow. Looks very ORGANized.
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
My dad has the heart of a lion...
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
What did the dinosaur say to his lover?
You make my heart saur!
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