Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
I gave my wife a lamp for our anniversary.
Someone’s getting LED tonight.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
I love lamps.
They're so enlightening.
What did the energy company’s CEO credit her success to?
A series of strategic power moves.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
The guy planted a light bulb and though he’d get a power plant.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
Where do light bulbs go shopping? The outlet stores.”
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.