My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
A wind turbine saw a solar panel at an energy convention. He leaned in and shouted, Hey, I’m a big fan!”
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
Why did bulb pack an apple in his bag?
He wanted to have a light snack.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
At what point will you love to change your bulbs the most?
When sparks fly.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
The guy planted a light bulb and though he’d get a power plant.
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
The sun is just a big space heater.
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
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