My dad has the heart of a lion...
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Why aren’t skeletons good at poker?
You can see right through them.
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
I auditioned to be a carpenter’s hand.
Nailed it.
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the body shop.
Where does a neuron keep its money?
In a brain bank.
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"
What does the visual system use to play basketball?
Eyeballs.
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
What is it called when a tree has spine problems?
ScoliOAKsis.
When does it rain brains?
During a brain storm.
Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.
Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying "Employees must wash hands".
But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!
What did the police officer say to the hand?
Stop! You are under a wrist!
Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?
How do a group of skeletons drive to work?
In the carpal lane.
Why do skeletons get sick on windy days?
It goes right through them.
happens when you bother the parietal lobe?
It gets very touchy.
What do Mexicans wear on their heads in the pool?
Swimbreros.
What do neurons do on their birthdays?
They cell-ebrate
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
His chest.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
An action potential takes the train to school. What is the name of the train station where it gets off for school?
Axon terminal.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.
Why do skeletons never move?
Because they have too much Skelatonin.
I need to stop being such a numbskull.
What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
What did the mother brain say to her oldest child when it was bothering her youngest child?
It didn't want to get brain-washed.
I banged my head on a low bridge.
Would have been ok if viaduct.
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
How did the cardiologist figure out what she wanted to do with her life?
She just followed her heart.
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
Why is the left cerebral cortex always wrong?
Because it was never in the rgiht.
"Some people have no guts."
What do you call it when a pillow hits its head?
A concushion.
I'm surprised you all aren't talking more about that drug with the side effect of making scalps wrinkled.
I mean, it's been making a LOT of head lines.
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
The xylobone.
I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
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