What has four legs and one arm?
A rottweiler at a park.
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
I banged my head on a low bridge.
Would have been ok if viaduct.
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?
E-Reptile Disc Function
What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!
Don't you just hate it when it's 212 degrees outside? It really just makes my blood boil.
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
I’m directing a play about a boy who broke his arm.
You should see the cast.
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
"Some people have no guts."
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.
I had to give an impromptu speech on a piece of cloth that encircles the wrist...
I spoke off the cuff on the cuff.
My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.
Why do skeletons never move?
Because they have too much Skelatonin.
A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"
What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
What do you call a martial artist who injured his leg?
Bruised Knee.
Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.
Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.
As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.
What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
My friend always sleeps with his head on a bag of rice
He said it was a type of pilau.
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula.
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
What did the angry brain say to the nociceptor?
"You're a real pain."
The Genie granted my wish for longer arms, but he warned me My wish would have far reaching consequences.
What did the brain say after it got an electrical shock?
"This was a stimulating experience."
My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest.
A bit weird, I know, but it just shows his heart is in the right place.
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
"Bugs and hisses."
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
I find bone puns very
Humerus.
How do a group of skeletons drive to work?
In the carpal lane.
How did the woman react when the doctor suggested she have a brain biopsy?
She gave him a piece of her mind.
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.
Why are bones so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.
"Lazy bones."
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
Why did the pig have a heart attack?
Too much bacon.
What do neurons use to talk to each other?
Cellular phones.
What
Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying "Employees must wash hands".
But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!
Bonnie Tyler has released a video all about cardiology.
It’s totally clips of the heart.
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”
No body has ever won a skeleton race.
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