Why didn’t one skeleton want to look at the other skeleton?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
My son asked me why our sailboat is named Blood
I yelled back: "Because it’s a bloody vessel!"
"Dying to have fun."
Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand.
Stop, drop and roll
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying "Employees must wash hands".
But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
Midwife (handing me the baby): "Make sure you’re supporting his head."
Me: "That’s a great head you have there, Well done!"
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts.
"Lazy bones."
How does the Pope dry his hands?
He uses a Papal towel.
I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.
She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
An action potential takes the train to school. What is the name of the train station where it gets off for school?
Axon terminal.
Near the town of Hannah Montana people found a dinosaur skeleton.
Scientists identified it as a Mileysaurus.
What part of the brain deals with knowledge about plants?
The treefrontal cortex.
No body has ever won a skeleton race.
What dinner dish does a developing neuron use?
A neural plate.
What’s it called your backpack messes up your spine?
Schooliosis !
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
Working as a dock hand is hard,
but it's wharf it.
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
What did the right hemisphere say to the left hemisphere when they could not agree on anything?
Let's split.
"You can't skele-run from my skele-puns."
What is a red heads favorite drink?
Ginger Ale.
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
What does a skeleton play in a band?
A Trom-Bone.
I threw a fuzzy peach at my doctor's head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar."
How heavy are your bones?
They are scale-a-ton.
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
A friend of mine lost the right side of of his brain in a car accident, but he wouldn’t stop drinking and driving.
No one in their right mind would do that.
What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air?
A quick pick-me-up.
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
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