A lady out taking golf lessons and she is doing terrible.
The instructor is getting pissed off. He says to her: "listen my dear, we have been out here all day long and we haven't gotten anywhere. You are not listening to what I tell you.
Let's try something different. I want you to grab hold of the golf club just like you have hold of your husband's penis."
CRACK. Straight down the middle of the fairway.
"That's amazing," Says the instructor, "now take the golf club out of your mouth and we'll go for distance."
A blonde was taking helicopter lessons.
The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great.
At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground.
The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"
The blonde said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."
A blond guy always wanted to skydive. He waited for years before he had the nerve and enrolled in a skydiving class.
They were taught how to jump and when to pull the cord. The instructor told them: "First you pull the cord after 10 seconds, if that doesn't work for any reason, pull the second cord for the auxiliary parachute. At the bottom there will be a bus waiting to take pick you up."
So the blond guy takes his parachute and sits nervously with everyone as they are preparing to jump. The light comes on and they start heading out the plane one by one.
When it comes to his turn, the blond guy screams and jumps. For 10 beautiful seconds, he gets to fly and hover. Then he remembers to pull the cord.
Nothing happens.
Panicked, he pulls the other cord. Again, nothing happens.
"Oh man," said the blond guy to himself, "that bus better be down there or I'm screwed!"
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