I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up