So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
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