Did Roman architecture emphasize forum over function?
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
Pirate ship Captain: Listen up, I need some help in writing 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.