Did you hear the gossip about the owl who hooked up with his boss?
I won’t tell you hoo.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?' And they respond: 'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'Sí.' 'Ja.'
When it’s raining, a turtle goes to a shell-ter.
What do you call an evil cow?
De-mooooon.
Tigers are like army soldiers. They both grow up to earn some stripes.
Hannibal crossed the Alps because it was safer than crossing the elephants.
Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet?
But most of them only have four!
What did the baby chicken say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange?
Dad, look what marma-laid!
An otter and an otter are in a car, who's driving? Animal Control
What did Papa Pig shout at his kids in the car?
“Stop swining! We’re nearly there.”
What kind of sharks make good carpenters?
Hammerheads.
My wife tried to claim she was a night owl.
She was lying though, because when I tried to turn her head through 270 degrees, her neck snapped.
Where do penguins go swimming?
At the South Pool!
What do you call a shark that can’t stop singing “U Cant Touch This?”
An M.C. Hammerhead.
How do you let a deer know you like her?
You fawn over her.
My wife has been giving me a hard time about my drinking. Eventually, I agreed to quit cold turkey.
Never cared for leftovers anyway.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
What is a mouse’s favorite game?
Hide and squeak!
What part of a flamingo has the most feathers?
The outside.
What is a pink bird's favorite dance? Flamin-tango.
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
I was at the beach today when I saw a man in the sea yelling “Help, shark! Help!”
I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
Why was there a troop of gorillas protesting outside the biscuit factory?
They wanted to stop the production of animal crackers.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
Crows, they just love sports, crow-quet to be precise.
Hermit crabs’ house phones were always shell phones
My two pet crabs have very different personalities. One is always in a good mood, but the other can be a bit of a grump.
Their names are crabA and crabB
In the 5th month of every year, my aunt lets her pigs in the field…
It’s mayham!
I just saw a huge killer fish singing and playing guitar in the city center.
I think it must be a busking shark.
What are the fastest fish in the river? The motor-pike with a side-carp!
The only things wolves have that no other animal on the face of the earth has are wolf cubs.
What do you get when you cross a tortoise and a llama?
A turtle-neck sweater.
Why did the bee get married?
She found her honey.
What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz!
My dog loves poetry.
Especially William Shakes-paw.
If I had a talking parrot, the first thing I would teach it to say is "Help, they've turned me into a parrot!"
What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
What do you get when you cross a lion with a parrot?
I don't know, but when it talks, you better listen.
What do you call a large group of sick pandas?
A Pandamic.
What’s a Chinese bear’s favorite organ of the body?
The panda-creas.
Which sea creatures cry the most?
Whales!
I saw a sheep covered in plastic
It was lambinated.
What kind of car do fancy horses drive?
Mustangs.
Why should you be careful not to insult a crocodile?
It may come back to bite you in the butt.
Dog to Waiter: Are there any bones in this?
Waiter to Dog: Yes sir, why’s that?
Dog to Waiter: Because I really dig them!
How do you measure a mosquito’s harddrive?
With bug bytes.
I saw a mosquito in the kitchen. I could have killed it, but I let it fly away...
That's probably going to come back to bite me later.
A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.
I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch."
Why was the cow always exercising? To build up its moo-scles
I met this really beautiful crustacean, but I lobst her number.
What do you call someone who tells too many dinosaur jokes?
A dino-bore.