What kind of sharks make good carpenters?
Hammerheads.
How does a horse get a suit fitted?
With a tail-or.
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
How do officials start the races at the pink bird olympics? They say three... two... one... flaminGO!
What sound does a turkey's phone make? Wing! Wing!
Where’s a dolphin’s favorite place to drink?
A dive bar!
Why did the otter cross the river?
To get to the otter side
What do you call a camel with three humps?
Pregnant.
Where do cats go when they die? Purr-gatory.
Q. How did the wedding between the stag and the doe begin?
A. Deerly beloved...
My friend, who's a geneticist and a rapper crossed a gorilla with an orang utan
That's his new mixed ape.
Why did the bat break up with her girlfriend?
She thought she was a pain in the neck.
A homicide detective walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Hey look at those birds outside," the bartender comments to him. "Did you know that a group of crows like that is called a murder?"
"Well you can't be sure that's a murder," the detective says. "Unless there is probable caws."
Each time the cow escaped, the farmer would find him hiding in Moo York City.
Why was the Whale bank heist so successful?
Because it was a whale orca-strated plan
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator!
Why did the giraffe graduate early?
He was head and shoulders above the rest of the class.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
There was a weird Crab
Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.
What did Spock say to his cat? Live long and paw-sper.
How does a koala get from one place to another? On a gondkoala.
What did the owl’s valentine say?
You are hootiful.
Why did the owl join Tinder?
He didn’t want to be owl by himself.
What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? "If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!"
What do you call a goat that lip-syncs?
Billy Vanilli.
Why do Dachshunds nap in the sun?
Because they’re hot dogs.
What is a bear’s favorite soda?
Coca Koala.
What happened to the vet that was accused of negligence? They were sued for meow-practice
How could you tell the horse was getting old?
It was wither-ing away.
What was the dog’s favorite book?
Winnie the Pooch. He loves to read a lot of story tails before bed.
What did the worm say to the other when he was late home? Where in earth have you been.
What does Harry Potter use when sealing packages?
His Parceltongue.
Q. What can a buck take after a night of drinking at a stag party?
A. Elk-a-seltzer.
How can you tell you’re in a pig wine bar? Because everything’s swine.
What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.
Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
What happened when the pig pen broke?
They had to use the pig pencil.
What do gorillas and orangutans wear in the kitchen?
Ape-rons.
What do you call a parrot with an umbrella? Polly unsaturated.
What did Shakespeare say when he was angry with his Dalmatian?
Out, out, damned spot.
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
What did the kangaroo say while volunteering at the homeless shelter?
More-soup-y’all?
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
How do you catch a squirrel who's interested in ornithology?
Climb a tree and act like a nuthatch.
If you mix a ghost and a cow together, you will create vanishing cream.
Who does a fish call when his piano breaks?
The piano tuna!
What is a koala’s favorite exercise?
Bearobics.
Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo York.
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids!
9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh… nevermind.