Laid Jokes

An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion." ~George Bernard Shaw
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They would all be a lot more comfortable.
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court…
The game would be cancelled.
An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”

- Mark Twain.
The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year. He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
The Best Bar in the World Three guys are drinking at a bar and talking about their favorite bars. The first guy says, 'As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink.' 'Well,' said the second man, "At my local in London , the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.' "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the third guy, 'Back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!' The first two guys lift their eyebrows in suspicion. 'Yea right,' says the first guy, 'there is no bar that good.' The man swore every word was true. Then the second man asked, 'Come ON, be real. Did this actually happen to you?' 'Well. Not to me, personally, no.' admitted the man, "But it did happen to my sister quite a few times."
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court …
The game would be cancelled.
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I might have some trouble getting hard, I just got laid this morning!
A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...
Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.

"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"

"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants off... And I took off mine. She whipped off her britches... And I slipped outta mine.

"After that she laid down and hollered, 'Go to town cowboy!'

"So here I am."
A young boy and his dad laid on the grass, looking at the sky. The boy asked, "Dad, will you teach me about the sky?"
The dad replied, "Son, it's way over your head."
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
Q. Where are deceased deer laid to rest?
A. In a moose-oleum.
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