Monster

Dracula decided it was time to give his son "the talk"

Dracula: "You see, when two monsters love each other very much, they-"

Son: "They do the mash."

Dracula: *nodding* "They do the monster mash."
Everyone knows Albert Einstein because of his research in physics. But most people don’t know about his brother who did research in monster making...
His name was Frank.
Why don't potatoes go to parties?
They're scared of the Monster Mash.
Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
Why did the monster eat the caboose? The locomotive told it to choo choo.
What do you call a fashionable, but judgmental monster who howls at the moon?
A What Not To Wear-Wolf.
"What did Frankenstein's monster say to his girlfriend?"

"Will you be my Valenstein?"
Why did the cookie monster rob the keebler elves? Because they had a lot of dough.
The only type of cookies a cookie monster loves to eat during Halloween is Ghoul Scout Cookies.
Why does the cookie monster fear the gingerbread man? Because he’s one tough cookie.
The cookie monster couldn’t make his bed, why? Because he couldn’t find his cookie sheets.
What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A double header.
Psychiatrist vs. Bartender
Psychiatrist vs. Bartender A man sitting at a bar after work shares with the bartender why he is looking so stressed, “I’m not sleeping well. I have nightmares about a monster under my bed and I am too embarrassed to seek help.” A patron nearby overhears this and introduces himself, “I overheard your story and I am a psychiatrist. Maybe I can help. The first thing is you recognize these are only dreams, and that is obvious so I should be able to help you in a few sessions. Here’s my card, give me a call.” A few weeks pass and the same two are once again at the bar after work. The psychiatrist says to the other guy, “Hi, how goes the nightmares? I never heard from you so I hope you are doing okay.” The other guy says, “things are great, the bartender helped me.” Psychiatrist, “the bartender helped you? You needed a trained professional to help you, what possibly could a bartender do that a psychiatrist couldn’t?” The other guy says, “he told me to saw the legs off my bed.”
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.