I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
When a ship or Vikings suddenly vanishes
There's a disturbance in the Norse
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.
How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”
Two red blood cells met and fell in love, but alas, it was all in vein.
Although knights were considered protectors of the realm, they sometimes did get involved in the politics of their time. This was because the knights followed knight-wing politics.
What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
To the person who invented zero...
Thanks for nothing.
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
Looking for a boyfriend in engineering: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
I passed my degree in sound engineering. I got 1-2-1-2!
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme, they stopped building monuments immediately.
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer?
Water-mole-ns
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
Why was the Geologist expelled from Reform School? He was a dirty layer!
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
What kind of bears dissolve in water?
Polar bears.
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