What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone? Cause They "flu" AWAY.
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
I keep asking my physics teacher "what is the unit for power?"
But he just saying "Yes."
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
If you’re doing dangerous work on a platform that’s held together by screwed in bolts, then your life is hanging by a thread.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
When many knights were being killed by guns and bombs, the medieval scientist discovered a weapon that would destroy all their enemies. It was known as the knightrogen bomb!
Ah! The element of surprise.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
When the student had asked the History teacher what questions will be there for the History exam, she answered, "The Past."
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
Where do light bulbs go shopping? The outlet stores.”
What is the reproductive area in South America? Spermatagonia.
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
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