What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
I’m a hardcore believer in the “i before e except after c” rule
It’s science.
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
What does Avogadro put in his hot chocolate?
Marsh-mole-ows
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
I heard Frozen University is banning anyone who got the COVID vaccine from returning for the spring quarter
I guess if you get vaccinated you won’t be headed to the ICU.
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One—she just gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that’s already been solved.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
Did you hear about the urologist who became an aerospace engineer?
He developed an incontinental ballistic missile.
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.
Even the most intelligent people can’t survive a day without electricity, like Stephen Hawking.
Why are obtuse angles so depressed?
Because they’re never right.
Whats The Most tiniest Virus Ever? "smallpox".
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
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