What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
When a ship or Vikings suddenly vanishes
There's a disturbance in the Norse
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
With all the talk of the pandemic and vaccines recently, I decided to consult a micro-biologist.
I thought they'd be smaller.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
To the person who invented zero...
Thanks for nothing.
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
Which tooth did Avogadro have pulled?
One of his mole-ars
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
How do geologists like to relax? In rocking chairs, of course!
What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
Serotonin and Dopamine: Technically, the only things you enjoy.
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
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