What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.
Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.
When you offered me love, I lepton it!
If this new covid vaccine works...
...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? "I like your style."
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant.
Its called Eel-on Musk.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
Did Roman architecture emphasize forum over function?
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry
Hey kids! I went back in time and formed a British 80s pop group called The Vaccine!
And now The Cure is no longer necessary!
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
How rich is Avogadro?
He's a multi-mole-ionaire.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
Go to BabaMail
