What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?
Magnets
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
What did the nerdy duckling say ?
Quark Quark.
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral.
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
What are mammoles?
Four-legged ani-moles
I have faith in Pfizer and its Covid vaccine, because they also make Viagra.
If Pfizer can raise the dead, it can save the living.
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
Power naps are great. You can really build up charge with them.
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
My least favorite teacher in the school is the History teacher. Whenever she takes a class on Ancient History, she tends to Babylon.
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights?
A Sir conference
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
Heard Russia has the vaccine to Coronavirus. I'm probably not Putin that into my body.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
What kind of bears dissolve in water?
Polar bears.
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.