What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
Biology - It grows on you.
I've been trying to think of an electrical pun but now my head Hertz.
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
Why did the Russian vaccine cross the road?
To get to the other side effects.
What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.
I can eat sugar with either hand, I'm ambidextrose.
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
Did you hear about the viking cannibal?
He had a Swede-tooth.
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
The First World War ended very quickly because they were Russian.
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer?
Water-mole-ns
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
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