When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
Why shouldn't you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
"He didn't count on this."
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations.
(Looking at you Newton).
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
What is the study of real estate? Homology
How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
CSI.
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
Why do math teachers love parks so much?
Because of all the natural logs.
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
If they don't, the country is safe.
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
Power naps are great. You can really build up charge with them.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
Digging trenches during the middle ages was seen as a great honor because it showed someone's shovelry!
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?
Use acute angle.
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
I don't think I need a spine.
It's holding me back.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
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