If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
CSI.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
When a ship or Vikings suddenly vanishes
There's a disturbance in the Norse
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
Why was there only one Avogadro?
When they made him, they broke the moled.
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
The superconductor left without resistance.
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
To the person who invented zero...
Thanks for nothing.
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