I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.
Why did Alexander not like eating chicken legs? Because he hated defeat.
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
Why did the geologist go on a date to the quarry?
He wanted to be a little boulder.
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
What is the favourite food of the Egyptian god? It is the Ramen.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
Engineers like to Solve Problems but...
If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own.
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them.
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
Why wasn't the geologist hungry? He lost his apatite.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
I love Physics, but I'm terrible at Math.
I hope in doesn't Matter.
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