I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
Why should you never argue with decimals?
Decimals always have a point.
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? He caught the garter snake.
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine!
Do you find bone puns humerus?
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too.
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
Did you hear about the geologist who went to jail?
He was charged with basalt and battery.
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
Why did bulb pack an apple in his bag?
He wanted to have a light snack.
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
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