Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
The Nucleboss.
How do you do math in your head?
Just use imaginary numbers.
There's now a vaccine to make you better at geometry.
It's called Pythagorean Serum.
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
What did one tectonic plate say to the other when they bumped into each other?
Sorry, that was my fault.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
What do you call a Korean knight who is looking for his lost belongings? He goes by the name Sir Ching!
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral.
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
What do you call a clock on the moon?
A lunartick.
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
Biology - It grows on you.
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