During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One—she just gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that’s already been solved.
Old Software Engineers Never Die...
They just reboot.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
Speed and Velocity are brothers.
Velocity has a family, is rich and teaches classes around the world.
Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents.
They think Speed lacks Direction.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
Did you hear the one about the recycling family of triplets? Polly, Ethel and Ian.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
Vikings joke
Why do West Virginia residences love the Vikings?
They catch theilens from their cousins.
How do you know the moon is going broke?
It's down to its last quarter.
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
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