My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
What did Avogadro teach his students in math class?
Mole-tiplication
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral.
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
The frequency of bad physics puns on this category...
It hertz.
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity?
It’s natural.
Organic chemistry is really hard.
Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
Why are obtuse angles so depressed?
Because they’re never right.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
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