My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
I've been trying to think of an electrical pun but now my head Hertz.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there is no point!
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
"He didn't count on this."
What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
Did Roman architecture emphasize forum over function?
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
Why wasn't the geologist hungry? He lost his apatite.
Where do hippos go to university? Hippocampus.
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
I heard the history teacher got into a fight with the math teacher
He did a real good number in him.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
Why are obtuse angles so depressed?
Because they’re never right.
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no time.”
I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'
The Optimist said 'The door is half open'
The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
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