I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
Wanna hear the mountain joke?
nah you won't get over it
You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
What did one brain say to another?
I lobe you.
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
Why are obtuse angles so depressed?
Because they’re never right.
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
What’s the best tool to install an electrical plug with?
A socket wrench.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
What do you call a Korean knight who is looking for his lost belongings? He goes by the name Sir Ching!
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
To get to the other tide.
Mountains aren't funny....? They're hilarious.
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
I passed my degree in sound engineering. I got 1-2-1-2!
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.
Why did Rome Fall?
Because it slipped on some Greece.
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right.
The statistician yells "We got 'em!"
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
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