I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
When a ship or Vikings suddenly vanishes
There's a disturbance in the Norse
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no time.”
My vaccine dad joke failed.
But it was worth a shot.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
A chemistry lab is like a big party.
Some drop the acid while others drop the base.
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
I love lamps.
They're so enlightening.
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
What do you call a medieval horse in the army
A knight-mare
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
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