A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
What did the energy company’s CEO credit her success to?
A series of strategic power moves.
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
I love Physics, but I'm terrible at Math.
I hope in doesn't Matter.
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too.
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
Did you hear about the constipated engineer? He worked it out with a pencil. It was a natural log.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
Using vaccines is...
Antibody-building.
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
Serotonin and Dopamine: Technically, the only things you enjoy.
May the mass times acceleration be with you.
What do you call a Korean knight who is looking for his lost belongings? He goes by the name Sir Ching!
Did you hear about the urologist who became an aerospace engineer?
He developed an incontinental ballistic missile.
What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
Good science always checks itself before it wrecks itself.
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
What is a plug’s favorite chant at a sporting event?
CHARGE!!
Why was the scuba diver failing Biology? Because he was below "C" level.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
Did you hear about the viking cannibal?
He had a Swede-tooth.
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