How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
When a ship or Vikings suddenly vanishes
There's a disturbance in the Norse
What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe? Mitosis.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
What happens when someone throws a rock at you? Rock bottom hits you.
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
Why did Alexander not like eating chicken legs? Because he hated defeat.
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
What happened to the two gladiator olives?
They were pitted against each other
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone? Cause They "flu" AWAY.
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
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