I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap? Because it was on shale.
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
What do you call a viking cemetary?
A grey fjord.
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
"He didn't count on this."
Why are geologists no fun at parties?
They like to be stone-cold sober.
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times...
people were called Lance a lot.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
An atom loses an electron...
It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
Because it was over 90 degrees.
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