When I arrived onset on a cloudy, dreary day, too many actors had been hired for the small part...
It was overcast.
Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid.
If Smart water were actually smart…
Then why did it get bottled?
I'm like a cow in tall grass,
I'm utterly tickled to be here.
Son: “Hey Dad, can we go to the beach?”
Dad: “Shore?”
Why was the food critic fired?
They didn't reference their sauces
What did the bartender say when he saw oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium and phosphorous enter his barroom? OH SnaP!
Why do sailors eat shellfish when rain is forecast?
It’s the clam before the storm.
I really hate rock puns.
My sediments exactly.
Why is the world so diverse? Because it contains alkynes of people.
What did the cactus wear with their suit?
A cactie.
What does a ghost wear when it’s raining outside?
Boooooooooooots.
Can you tell me what type of weeping tree this is? Yes, but you willow me one later.
What words do windmills live by? One good turn deserves another!
It was hot today and when I went outside I saw there was a line of guys standing outside the hairdressers. I thought to myself, "Such a lovely day to have a barber queue".
Rainbows are very uncommon, they are blue and far between.
What type of tree can be put inside your hand? A palm tree.
During the flood, most of our garden was underwater. I felt especially bad for the grass - it must have been grass-ping for air.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic.
What did the bottled water tell the spy?
The names bond, Hydrogen bond.
What do you call a rock that never goes to school?
A skipping stone!
Why are there so many ruts in the ice at the rink?
The maintenance crew must be slipping up.
What did the gold say to the pyrite? You’re a fool and a fake!
Q: What did the wind turbine say to the engineer after he fixed him?
A: I’m a big fan of your work!
What do Ents wear to the beach?
Sandalwood.
What do they use to get a tan?
Palm oil.
How many lips does a flower have?
Tulips.
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he liked cool music.
What’s every ice cream parlor owner’s side hustle?
Sundae school teacher.
A little boy asks his dad, “Why is it raining? Is the sky sad?”
The dad replies, “Yes, son, the sky is pretty blue.”
I heard there are some fires near Greece
We’re gonna need a lot of baking soda.
Due to bad weather, I won't be attending the Meteorology Convention.
I'm gonna take a rain-check.
Q: Why couldn’t the boy keep his documents open when he left a window open in winter?
A: Because it was too Win+D
Why wouldn’t the squirrel collect the oak’s acorns today? She called in sick and then went to the beech.
Why do you never see owls being affectionate in the rain? It's too wet to woo.
I was so disappointed when I went to the court house themed restaurant and all they gave me was frozen water.
Justice was served.
What do you see when an elephant hides behind a tree?
The trunks
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?
He had a very esteemed colleague.
What’s a bigamist?
It’s what Italians call a thick fog.
The book on Mount Everest was super interesting because it had so many cliffhangers.
The reason the mountains are hill areas joke gets reposted so often is because it's peak comedy
Why do dwarves live in mountains?
They dig it.
The bartender asks one of The Beach Boys what they’d like, so he looks back to his friends
“Get a round?” “Round?” “Round?” “I’ll get a round!”
Dad has a pet snake that eats the grass in his yard.
It's a lawnboa.
What’s a cetacean’s favorite TV show?
Whale of Fortune.
There is a higher chance of being struck by lightning than to be killed in a shark attack.
Shocking isn't it.
There was a fire at the yodeling school. Everyone was asked to exit in an orderly orderly orderly manner.
Q: How do you stop newspapers from flying away on windy days?
A: Use a news anchor!
Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus
They say its bark is worse than its bite.
What did one ocean say to another?
Nothing, it just waved.
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror.
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