Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest.
A bit weird, I know, but it just shows his heart is in the right place.
"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
Why didn’t the skeleton scare the trick-or-treaters on Halloween?
He didn’t have the heart.
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
A friend failed his medical exam when he X-rayed his lower torso.
He didn’t put his heart into it.
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don't go breaking my heart."
I couldn't if I tried.
I have a heart-on for you.
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
My dad has the heart of a lion...
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
You’re my heartthrob.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.
You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.
What did the heart say to the brain before an exam?
You look nervous.
What did the dinosaur say to his lover?
You make my heart saur!
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
Nurse: Here’s our list of donor hearts and livers in alphabetical order.
Doctor: wow. Looks very ORGANized.
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.
“I told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??
Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
What do we call two birds that are in love?
Tweet-hearts!
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
I lub dub you with all my heart.
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
How did the cardiologist figure out what she wanted to do with her life?
She just followed her heart.
That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
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