I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.
I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.
She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
What do we call two birds that are in love?
Tweet-hearts!
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
I have a heart-on for you.
Nurse: Here’s our list of donor hearts and livers in alphabetical order.
Doctor: wow. Looks very ORGANized.
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
Bonnie Tyler has released a video all about cardiology.
It’s totally clips of the heart.
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
Why did the pig have a heart attack?
Too much bacon.
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.
You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.
What did the heart say to the brain before an exam?
You look nervous.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
How did the cardiologist figure out what she wanted to do with her life?
She just followed her heart.
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
I lub dub you with all my heart.
A friend failed his medical exam when he X-rayed his lower torso.
He didn’t put his heart into it.
You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
“I told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??
Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
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