A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
What’s the best tool to install an electrical plug with?
A socket wrench.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
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