On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
What is a plug’s favorite chant at a sporting event?
CHARGE!!
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
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