What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
So my blood test came back positive.
Turns out I’m full of the stuff.
Someone said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I through a dictionary at them.
While browsing the bookshop, I stuck a sheet of A4 paper to my wife's spine.
She said she wanted a paperback for her birthday.
Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.
Why did the pig have a heart attack?
Too much bacon.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
An action potential takes the train to school. What is the name of the train station where it gets off for school?
Axon terminal.
What is it called when a tree has spine problems?
ScoliOAKsis.
One day, I looked to my spine and said
Thanks for all the support! Thanks to you we've grown to new heights.
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.
I bring my knees to my head and lean forwards.
That's just how I roll.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
Where does a neuron keep its money?
In a brain bank.
Why can't a brain be 12 inches long?
Becuase then it would be a foot.
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
I find bone puns very
Humerus.
Why did the skeleton go to the daycare?
To get his Kidneys.
Why do youngsters like pelvic bones so much?
Because they're hip.
What is a myelinated neuron's favorite type of music?
Wrap music.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.
Why are neuroanatomy classes the smartest?
They have lots of brains.
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
Why can’t a legless skeleton win an argument?
They don’t have a leg to stand on.
Why do skeletons never move?
Because they have too much Skelatonin.
I auditioned to be a carpenter’s hand.
Nailed it.
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
Don't you just hate it when it's 212 degrees outside? It really just makes my blood boil.
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
I took a blood test today
It was easy. I got A+, and I didn't even have to study!
Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.
Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying "Employees must wash hands".
But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
I lub dub you with all my heart.
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
What do you call a group of arms?
An army.
What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt?
A Cairo-practor.
I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.
Bonnie Tyler has released a video all about cardiology.
It’s totally clips of the heart.
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
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