What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
What does an exhibitionist snake wear to the beach?
A pythong.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A boar constrictor.
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.