A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
What does an exhibitionist snake wear to the beach?
A pythong.
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.