I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A boar constrictor.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
What does an exhibitionist snake wear to the beach?
A pythong.
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.