What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A boar constrictor.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
What does an exhibitionist snake wear to the beach?
A pythong.
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.