What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
What does an exhibitionist snake wear to the beach?
A pythong.
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.
What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A boar constrictor.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.