Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
What does an exhibitionist snake wear to the beach?
A pythong.
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A boar constrictor.
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.