What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
What does an exhibitionist snake wear to the beach?
A pythong.
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A boar constrictor.
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.