What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.
What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A boar constrictor.
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
What does an exhibitionist snake wear to the beach?
A pythong.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.