I can eat sugar with either hand, I'm ambidextrose.
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.
Speed and Velocity are brothers.
Velocity has a family, is rich and teaches classes around the world.
Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents.
They think Speed lacks Direction.
Why did Alexander not like eating chicken legs? Because he hated defeat.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
I passed my degree in sound engineering. I got 1-2-1-2!
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
My history teacher was talking about mythical medieval creatures
Personally, I think the lecture was starting to drag on
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
What happens when someone throws a rock at you? Rock bottom hits you.
What did the Psychologist tell the geologist? "Every decline is a great Break Through"
What do you call a cab which provides drug therapy? Chemotaxis.
Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
Two red blood cells met and fell in love, but alas, it was all in vein.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
Did you hear about the urologist who became an aerospace engineer?
He developed an incontinental ballistic missile.
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? "I like your style."
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
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